Omni Dual Saw

I was just telling myself the other day I need a more powerful saw. So naturally, like every American in the 21st century, I looked on the Internet. And lo, the gods answered by pointing me to an infomercial

My first thoughts upon beginning the Omni Dual Saw commercial: I wonder if this product is so unique and so powerful that it would take two presenters to tell me about it.

And lo! The gods delivered.
The Omni Dual Saw comes with not one, but two announcers: Billy Mays (the man who brought you Oxi-clean, Might Putty, and KaBoom) and Anthony Sullivan (er, the man standing next to Billy Mays)! But if you order now they will throw in Ronco’s Ron Popeil for free!

Now, normally I think it is adorable when couples dress alike, but these two, with their matching khaki’s and denim shirts, put me in mind of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito’s stunt doubles for the movie “Twins”.

And as it turns out the Batman and Robin of TV sales addressed the exact problems I was having in my own personal sawing. Like the hapless handy man in the commercial; I was cutting lumber by wildly flailing my wood saw, trimming tubing by beating it to death with my hack saw, and slicing sheet metal by leering at it aggressively.

Well, as it turns out my problem was none of my saws are inspired by rescue technology. All my tools are inspired by the ingenuity of proud Amish laborers with their century year old unchanged designs. Luddites!

The commercial goes on to show how I can use this dual bladed wonder to cut through a car! This is perfect! You see, I drive a Hummer, but with gas prices as they are; it’s really time I switch to a more effecient mini. I think you see where I’m going with this.

Now cutting through cars is one thing, but is it easy to use? My lord, yes. On screen yelling pioneer Billy Mays explains how it is easy enough for anyone to use and then takes it one step further by showing that anyone can use it! Even a woman! A silly, silly woman! Aren’t they adorable when they try to do manual labor?

Yes, even women can use this saw to cut through their cars quicker than prunes through a short grandma. And it’s the counter rotational technology that makes this saw special. All this time I thought synchronized rotational technology was where the action was. This is truly the greatest thing since sliced bread, and who do you think sliced that bread? Billy Mays!

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